If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

Romans 12:18

When we owe someone an apology and we rationalize it, we are justifying our questionable behavior and avoiding the truth. That’s when we slowly start stealing the peace from that relationship.

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I had a dream. My cousin was growing dreads, so her hair had been newly twisted to form locks. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to mess up her hair. I started untwisting her dreads; I may have even taken a comb and started combing her hair.  I wasn’t too familiar with the first stages of locks. I thought she had a twist hairstyle, one that wasn’t permanent unlike dreads. Still, I had no business messing up her hair. When she expressed her disappointment and why she was upset, I hesitated to apologize because in my mind it looked like a temporary hairstyle not a permanent one. I didn’t think I should be held responsible. She hadn’t told me this while I was messing it all up, only after, so I didn’t think it mattered. I know it sounds silly right? But that is exactly what rationalizing sounds like.

Does this sound familiar? Maybe you understood a situation one way and the person saw it differently. What do you do when you are the one in the wrong? Do you apologize or find excuses and rationalize your behavior? We tend to have gut feelings when we are wrong. And if not, even if that person brings the issue to our attention, we still might try to prove why we’re right and they’re wrong.

The truth is I didn’t want to admit I was wrong nor did I want to take responsibility for my actions. I wanted to be right. But being right all the time isn’t righteous and doesn’t bring peace. If anything its builds animosity, resentment and suppressed anger. Sometimes our pride and ego doesn’t allow us to admit when we are wrong. We rationalize that apologizing hurts us more than the person we’ve slighted. So to avoid feeling “hurt” we don’t sincerely apologize or avoid it all together. We can’t live peaceably with one another if we don’t admit our wrongs.

How can we move on from this? Admit the wrong to yourself and person you’ve slighted. Be responsible, honest and fair. Apologizing can be hard, especially if it’s a loved one or a respected colleague. But take courage, a deep breathe and pray.

Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

Romans 12:10

Our relationships can be filled with love when we are kind to each other, especially after a mistake or disagreement. Depending on the situation, if a face to face conversation seems daunting, consider offering a thoughtful letter, video, or gesture to express you’re sorry.

What if we reversed the situation? Shall we see ourselves right in the eyes of God? Tell him He’s wrong, not apologize and rationalize our behavior? When we’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, we should humble ourselves and ask God for the ability to recognize it so we can sincerely apologize. Seek peace, love and pursue it.